OG Fiona

Maya/Aztec Myth, Uncategorized, , , , , ,

Hook: Bone crumbs with god blood makes a spicy meat-a-ball

So, what I am assuming is Shrek’s and Grendel’s Mother’s birth-giver has a hunger that only human blood and bodies could satisfy. She had mouths copied and pasted all over her joints and body and was an “ogress.” Her name is Tlaltecuhtli and I’m goiog to call her twat for short.

Twat loved eating everything in sight (Same gurl) and Quetzalcoatl and Tezcatlipoca (Tapioca for short) had enough of it. So they turned into snakes and ripped her in half, a sexual or non-sexual way of doing this was not disclosed. And they they played catch with one half of her body but threw up too high and shes like, “I’m the sky now, bitch.” And I’m pretty sure it was her lower half so sky-gina is a thing my brain thought of to make me laugh.

So with the other half of her body, they horrifically Ed Gein-ed it into the world. her features becoming that of the earth. On this earth, Coat and Tapioca used left-over fish people bones and their own blood to make a tortilla-esque dough that they made humans out of to populate it. But Twat was still hangry and demanded lots of sacrifices or else she would wreck havoc.

Lesson: Sweet lord baby Jesus, please don’t cut people in half.

Being Gluten Free

Little Thoughts, ,

Eating around people it like eating at a funeral. Everyone looks at you sadly and tries to give you anything they can manage to de-glutify while trying to not offend.

Compliments of “I could never do that” or “You have such a strong willpower for health!” bounce around the rooms I walk into everywhere I go.

I am no god.

I am only man.

A man who’s butthole can’t contain the delicious wonder of gluten. Rip.

 

Birth of Dionysus

Greek Myth, , ,

Hook: How to have a leg baby

So Dion’s mother was all wet for Zeus. Hera, Zeus’ waifu wasnt down with this. So instead of stabbing him, she disguised herself and met up with the future mommy of Dion, Semele.

“Yo, Zeus gives his wife good enough dick for her not to murder him. Ask for it Hera style,” She said, being the petty.

So Semele hooked up with Zeus and, being kind of slutty (no judgement girl, I am too) asked for the dick Hera style. Zeus had to ask her if he heard her right. Already having legs spread, she persuaded him to do it.

So he whipped out his flaming chariot of ohOh ffffffufffuck and Semele was burnt to ash with a tiny baby where her lady parts would be. Zeus looked at the fetus. Then his leg. Then the fetus again. Then a knife. After ripping open his God uterus in his thigh, he sewed the baby up in it til it was done baking. And this all turned Dionysus into a sever alcoholic who cant stop partying.

Lesson: Go hard or go home